Anon, from the bottom of my heart: breathe. It kind of breaks my soul reading you torture yourself like this, for something that makes absolutely no sense. 

Disgusting for being in fandom? Too old for M rated fics? You think you should leave? 

Whoever put these thoughts in your head, please, stop listening to them, because they don’t have the slightest idea of what they’re talking about, and I don’t know why you’re giving it any credit when to even remotely entertain the idea that you cannot participate in fandom past the age of 20 you need to ignore the entire history of Fandom. Like, completely erase it all even while you live in it.  

Who do you think pays for Ao3 domain and server? Who’s the majority that has the economical independence to support it every year? Who organizes conventions? Hosts panels? Who writes the vast majority of explicit fics? Who writes the canon every fandom is built upon? 

I’ll save you the trouble of guessing the answer: it’s not minors. 

I’ve received enough messages about people complaining about ageism in fandom, but it’s the first time I’ve read about someone who’s really buying into this absurd idea that is so entirely drenched in misogyny. Don’t let it get to you, please. Who have you interacted with till now? I cannot count the sheer amount of incredible fandom peeps over the age of 30 and 40 and 50 and 60 I have met without even looking for them, because they’re everywhere. They’re the backbone and legs and arms and head of Fandom as a whole, I don’t know how you could have missed them. 

And you know the greatest thing about being an adult? 
That so long as you’re not breaking any law, you can do whatever you want and no one can say nor do anything about it. And if they don’t like it, they can die mad about it.
I think you might be forgetting this little detail.   

Honestly, as an ‘older woman’, I’m perfectly fine and content here and I’m not going anywhere for as long as I’ll find fandom fun. You have all the freedom and the means to stay as well, provided that you stop sabotaging yourself like this.